Waterpup

Not long ago Joe Cada won the WSOP Main Event becoming the youngest winner in World Series of Poker (WSOP) history beating out 46 year old Darvin Moon a logger from Maryland.

With the youngsters win I expected there would be an influx of “young’ns” flocking to online poker sites to learn how to play poker. Most new players will likely be around Joe Cada’s age and at some point will end up playing in a brick and mortar poker room very soon. Many of them won’t know the first thing about table etiquette so hopefully this list will help. Even more important for those that have been playing for some time now, I hope this list helps you stinky effers out there that just don’t have a clue. Please take this as your clue and be observant and try washing your ass once in awhile.

1. Take a shower

Please take a shower before you go to the poker room. Just using a quick swipe of deodorant on those sticky pits that you haven’t washed in 3 days will not last very long. You may not realize it but you stink and everyone around you knows it’s you. Wash your hairy ass too, you got poop stuck in it.

2. Do Something About that Stench in Your Mouth

Smokers AND Non-Smokers. Smokers bring a tub of mints with you and use them after your smoke break the while tables smells you when you come back. Non-Smokers you too!! Most of you think that because you don’t smoke your breath can’t possibly smell. However after you’ve had your mouth closed for so long that disgusting pit becomes a cannon of shit vapor every time you open it. Don’t talk to me and if you need to please do so from the next room.

3. Brush Yo Damn Toof

So you’ve showered and you think you’re ready to go play some poker right after you have a glass of chocolate milk and eat the rest of mama’s homemade pasta from last night. You know that pasta that she loads up with garlic when she’s cooking it? Taste soooo goood!! Guess what? What you ate last night is seeping through your pores right now as well as still permeating from that cave a death. Wait don’t worry about brushing your teeth, brush that tongue because it smells like you’ve been licking your ass with it.

4. Don’t Fart/Burp

Ok so everyone has to pass some gas or burp after awhile. It’s understandable but when you have to try stepping away from the table and allow that fart to spread at someone elses table before coming back to ours. If you have to burp at the very least turn your head all the way around like your Linda Blair and away from the table. Let it all out before turning back around.

5. Wash Your Hands

Go to the bathroom wash your freakn hands dude when you’re done. You’ve been touching chips that everyone else has been touching then you gotta go touch your junk and comeback to the table. The last thing I want to do after smelling you is touch your dirty penis as I’m stacking your chips.

6. Don’t Crowd Your Neighbor

Look fatso you’ve taken up enough room you don’t need and you cannot have more room from me AND I don’t want to smell your stinky ass anymore. Be considerate.

7. Don’t Be the Table Captain

So you’ve played more online tournaments than anyone at your table or you’re so damn old that that none of us will ever see as many hands as you have in a whole lifetime. Not everyone plays as bad as….wait…..not everyone plays like you and it’s not your job, nor do you have the right to tell anyone how to play. Shut up!

8. It’s Not The Dealers Fault

Just because you got beat by a 2 or 4 outter does not mean the dealer did it to you on purpose. In fact most dealers cannot stack a deck on you even if they tried too. Most of the time the cards are scrambled and shuffled a couple of times then thrown into an automatic card shuffler, cut and then the dealt to the table. Be patient, keep your mouth shut and wait for the donkey that just slammed you to make a mistake. You wanted that call, it just didn’t work out.

9. Don’t Tap The Tank

Speaking of being patient and waiting for others to make a mistake don’t berate another player because they made the bad call of the decade and got lucky. Don’t tell them how they should have played it. It’s their hand not yours and once again you want them to make these calls, that’s how you get paid. Congratulate them and a well played and then tuck yourself back in kelp and wait for that fish to come back, then eat him alive.

10. Show Your Damn Cards

If you were the last aggressor don’t play the “you show first game” it’s stupid and holds the game up. If you bet out show your damn cards, if you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar everyone will know anyway.

Short Version: Don’t Be The Ass That You Are

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