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Posts Tagged ‘poker tells’

Not long ago Joe Cada won the WSOP Main Event becoming the youngest winner in World Series of Poker (WSOP) history beating out 46 year old Darvin Moon a logger from Maryland.

With the youngsters win I expected there would be an influx of “young’ns” flocking to online poker sites to learn how to play poker. Most new players will likely be around Joe Cada’s age and at some point will end up playing in a brick and mortar poker room very soon. Many of them won’t know the first thing about table etiquette so hopefully this list will help. Even more important for those that have been playing for some time now, I hope this list helps you stinky effers out there that just don’t have a clue. Please take this as your clue and be observant and try washing your ass once in awhile.

1. Take a shower

Please take a shower before you go to the poker room. Just using a quick swipe of deodorant on those sticky pits that you haven’t washed in 3 days will not last very long. You may not realize it but you stink and everyone around you knows it’s you. Wash your hairy ass too, you got poop stuck in it.

2. Do Something About that Stench in Your Mouth

Smokers AND Non-Smokers. Smokers bring a tub of mints with you and use them after your smoke break the while tables smells you when you come back. Non-Smokers you too!! Most of you think that because you don’t smoke your breath can’t possibly smell. However after you’ve had your mouth closed for so long that disgusting pit becomes a cannon of shit vapor every time you open it. Don’t talk to me and if you need to please do so from the next room.

3. Brush Yo Damn Toof

So you’ve showered and you think you’re ready to go play some poker right after you have a glass of chocolate milk andeat the rest of mama’s homemade pasta from last night. You know that pasta that she loads up with garlic when she’s cooking it? Taste soooo goood!! Guess what? What you ate last night is seeping through your pores right now as well as still permeating from that cave a death. Wait don’t worry about brushing your teeth, brush that tongue because it smells like you’ve been licking your ass with it.

4. Don’t Fart/Burp

Ok so everyone has to pass some gas or burp after awhile. It’s understandable but when you have to try stepping away from the table and allow that fart to spread at someone elses table before coming back to ours. If you have to burp at the very least turn your head all the way around like your Linda Blair and away from the table. Let it all out before turning baclk around.

5. Wash Your Hands

Go to the bathroom wash your freakn hands dude when you’re done. You’ve been touching chips that everyone else has been touching then you gotta go touch your junk and comeback to the table. The last thing I want to do after smelling you is touch your dirty penis as I’m stacking your chips.

6. Don’t Crowd Your Neighbor

Look fatso you’ve taken up enough room you don’t need and you cannot have more room from me AND I don’t want to smell your stinky ass anymore. Be considerate.

7. Don’t Be the Table Captain

So you’ve played more online tournaments than anyone at your table or you’re so damn old that that none of us will ever see as many hands as you have in a whole lifetime. Not everyone plays as bad as….wait…..not everyone plays like you and it’s not your job, nor do you have the right to tell anyone how to play. Shut up!

8. It’s Not The Dealers Fault

Just because you got beat by a 2 or 4 outter does not mean the dealer did it to you on purpose. In fact most dealers cannot stack a deck on you even if they tried too. Most of the time the cards are scrambled and shuffled a couple of times then thrown into an automatic card shuffler, cut and then the dealt to the table. Be patient, keep your mouth shut and wait for the donkey that just slammed you to make a mistake. You wanted that call, it just didn’t work out.

9. Don’t Tap The Tank

Speaking of being patient and waiting for others to make a mistake don’t berate another player because they made the bad call of the decade and got lucky. Don’t tell them how they should have played it. It’s their hand not yours and once again you want them to make these calls, that’s how you get paid. Congratulate them and a well played and then tuck yourself back in kelp and wait for that fish to come back, then eat him alive.

10. Show Your Damn Cards

If you were the last aggressor don’t play the “you show first game” it’s stupid and holds the game up. If you bet out show your damn cards, if you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar everyone will know anyway.

Short Version: Don’t Be The Ass That You Are

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Andy Bloch on Semi-Bluffing

Andy Bloch

The semi-bluff is one of the most powerful weapons in any poker player?s arsenal. If there?s a decent chance you can steal a pot by semi-bluffing, you should usually take it. But, as with any play you make at the table, the semi-bluff is always most effective when you use it at the correct time in the correct situation. Semi-bluff too much and your opponents will know when you?re on the draw; semi-bluff too little and your opponents will know to fold whenever you bet. The key to semi-bluffing is to always mix things up and never become too predictable with your betting patterns.

Let?s say that you?ve flopped the nut flush draw and are pretty certain your opponent has connected with the flop in some way, be it top pair or maybe even a set. A lot of players like to check-raise as a semi-bluff in this spot. There are a couple of problems with this play: first, if you always check-raise in this spot then your opponent will be able to put you on a draw very easily. Second, if your opponent really does have a hand, there?s no need to check-raise here because there?s no way he?s folding and there?s a good chance he?ll pay you off anyway if you hit your hand.

A better move in this spot might be not semi-bluffing and just calling instead. This way, if you hit your flush on the turn, your options are wide open ? checking, calling or raising are all viable plays ? and your opponent won?t be able to put you on a hand quite as easily. By not semi-bluffing, you increase your chances of winning a bigger pot when your opponent actually has a strong hand. There are players out there who?ll assume you?re not on the draw if you don?t semi-bluff, so use that to your advantage.

Now, if you don?t think that your opponent has a strong hand or your draw isn?t that strong (say a low flush draw), this is the perfect time for a semi-bluff. The semi-bluff should be used as a tool to steal pots when the opportunity arises, not as a means of building big pots.

Another good way to mix up your semi-bluffing game plan is to wait until the turn to semi-bluff rather than always doing it on the flop. This can be a dangerous play because you?ve only got one card to come on the turn and you?re not getting the same odds. But it also means that your opponent is less likely to think that you?re semi-bluffing and put you on the draw. It looks pretty strong if you call on the flop and then raise on the turn; your opponent might think you?ve flopped the nuts and throw away a pretty strong hand.

Another advantage to semi-bluffing on the turn rather than the flop is that you could pick up additional outs on the turn. Say you have a gut-shot straight draw on the flop and then pick up a flush draw on the turn. You?ve just gone from four outs to about 12, which might be worth a shot at taking down the pot right then and there. A lot of players will also have trouble putting you on the flush draw in this spot; it?s just harder to see that flush draw on the turn than it is on the flop.

Once again, the key to a good semi-bluff is picking the right spot to pull it off. Choose poorly and you could stand to lose a good portion of your stack; choose well and you could throw your opponents off balance and hit them where it hurts when you make your hand.

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Honestly visual tells in poker aren’t that common and in good players are very hard to see. However occasionally you see something, it may be something very minor but you may eventually pick up the pattern and place a value on what it means. This list may help you look for things and actually see them but then again maybe not. At the very least if you use what you find here in a live game it may help you pay more attention to what’s going on

1. Watch the Eyes
This is why many pros wear sunglasses or visors/caps when playing, they know that the eyes rarely lie. For example, many players can’t help but stare at big hole cards, so their length of time peeking is longer. Conversely, if a player is looking to steal the pot, he may look to his left to see if the remaining players, who haven’t yet acted, have quickly glanced at their cards and are likely to fold. Another example, a player may try to ask you questions about your hand, knowing that people rarely can “look someone straight in the eyes” while being dishonest.

2. Facial Expression
Again, many pros try to disguise their entire face by wearing a cap and looking downward. This is to avoid the classic stare-down that poker pros are famous for. They may try to study your face for nervousness (detecting a weak hand), or even look for repetitive characteristics like a body “tic”. You may have obvious unhappiness Read the rest of this entry »

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